The Last Fireworks

Written by Timawa on 6:10 PM


This morning reminds me of my late grandmother.

I don't know. Maybe because of a dream, or the scent of her perfume when I woke up this morning. Or the presence of a cousin whom I haven't forgiven yet for a long time now. Whatever the reason, I'm certain that I really missed my grandmother since the last day she called us up and bid her goodbyes with an unlikely good laugh. That time, it never crossed our minds that that will be the last time we will hear her laughter. She greeted everyone in the house over the phone, and with the loudspeaker, her laughter spread around the four corners of our house without us knowing that it would be the last.

Every time circumstances remind me of my grandmother, what reminds me most are the fireworks. Glaring lights up in a dark sky in Christmas time. It is because my mom, along with my titos and titas, used to buy expensive fireworks every Christmas season just to light up and put a smile on my grandma's face. And each time these fireworks bloom up in the sky, Ma will start to beam, a vivid memory that never erodes in my fancies since the night we spent the last fireworks with her.

My lola used to be the binding force in our family. Every time family problem arises, her kind heart and warm approach will always be her way to end things up. It just saddens me that until now that she's gone, family dispute between each parties cannot still be solved among our own ways. And honestly speaking, I am one of those guilty persons behind the scenario that disappoints my grandmother.

I cannot say when will be the right time I have to forgive my cousin for what he has done to me. The hurt have been with me for 12 years that every detail of it triggers more my anger. It's hard on my part to forgive him that easy, but God knows how much I'm trying to forget all those. Sometimes, I submit all these angers to the Lord; but temptation's just too strong that every time a certain thing reminds me of that memory, hurt just dominates me and eventually anger will prevail. But at least, each time I will remember my grandma's warm affection, my angst would just be washed away that easy.

The following Christmases have been so plain unlike those times when my grandmother was still alive. They have stopped our tradition of making my grandmother smile. Things really should come and go, and maybe, our family are still in the recovery process. No matter what, despite family disputes, each fireworks I see up in heaven will always be a sign that she's always with me, giving me hope that there is still a chance to build things up among us.

Just morning thoughts :-)

Written by Timawa on 4:07 PM

My Nokia 2630 alarm clock worked great for me this morning, but I believe what worked greater is my drive to wake up early... Guess what? I beated the record! Haha. 6 in the morning in a summer vacation day. No lousy student, neither a hard-working one would wake up this early just to do nothing. Since I told in my earlier posts that I'm not a morning person, I would take this waking-up-early routine as my practice for the resume of classes.

Whew. Time flies so fast. June is already coming. Wish I could extend the summer vacay. I've got days left to live it to the fullest, and I'm trying to watch all the DVDs for at least two-day marathon if it's possible. But I've got other things to do so I'll find time for it some other days...

I can say this was one of the best, unforgettable summer vacation in my life. I've been to Baguio again for many years (and I didn't know it will be my last day in Baguio since Supreme Court didn't allow employees to bring with them their children) and for a week I've learned a lot about Baguio only through reading and walking. Haha. Mountain climbing 'literally' is probably one of the happiest thing I've done in life, and it's best to do it in a cold environment.

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Mommy forgot her fone again. The second time around. As much as I can, I don't want to make a big deal out of it negatively, but I've known my mom as an alert person. This basic valuable is never forgotten, ngayon lang. Could it be that she's slowly losing her memory? We'll all go there but I'm not yet ready. Not that I don't want to talk about it, but I still have to prepare for it. I still have dreams for myself and for my family and God knows my prayer that I don't want things to happen without her being proud of her only daughter. Communication between us will be gone someday, and I don't want this to happen without me being prepared... While I can't seem to explain everything, I know God understands me through this.

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I've watched four movies this week: Forbidden Kingdom and three other old movies: Anastasia, Chasing Liberty and Princess Diaries II, and I realized it feels so good being a princess! Haha. Forbidden Kingdom is a very good movie, especially for action aficionados because it has a lot of action scenes before Jason brings back the staff rod to the Monkey King. (I literally fell asleep in those scenes and woke up and Jade warlords against the Drunken Master and Jason are still fighting). I like the flow of the story, the simple but complicated circumstances it entails... Enough of it. It's a five star.

Among the three other 'princess' movies, what I least liked is Anastasia... The flow of the movie was good and my eyes are glued from the beginning to the rising scenes but I hated the way Anastasia's grandmama ended it. :-( Though its a great ending for most, I would love to see Anastasia be seated on the throne as princess rather than her risky escape with Bounine. However, despite it's not-so-good ending, I would rate is four star.

Chasing Liberty is a good movie, and based from the title, it's a CHASE movie. I like watching those like Apocalypto co'z it makes my adrenalins rush to life. The flow of the story doesn't surprise me, co'z it's a typical film. I was just amazed by the adventure they had and the stunning beauty of Venice.

My favorite among the three is the Princess Diaries II. I liked the story so much, however, I was disappointed in the college grad Mia who should supposedly and expectedly be acting maturely this time. Sadly, it's still the same old Mia, but not that bad because her character gives much highlight to the humorous side of the story. What I hated is the lodging of the villains to the Genovian palace for an unexplicable reason. Ugh. Guess they have nothing else to think about in order for Nicholas and Mia to bond much as they are the couples destined for each other. But overall, it's a great movie for me :-)

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What the heck.

I don't want to stare up the beginning of this draft co'z I will be tempted to read it and sooner to revise it. I don't want to cut the flow of my writing here, as long as I wanted to write, I will, basically to practice.

(While some people would say that writing is their way to make that difference, they would be thinking that proving writing competence as for me is the foolish thing to do. I believe it's a decent act, getting money out of writing contests and blogs also is; it's just immature for some people to think some other way and inject a malice in it).

This blog should serve as my online journal, and I usually make posts when I wake up. (It's the common advice of professional writers to make it habit to write every morning to hone your craft). Sad to say, I'm writing everything here, from experiences to common rants.. They say writing on your journal everyday is not an obligation, but who cares? I wanted to write.

Take care and God bless!

Winning could be another game of luck

Written by Timawa on 5:27 PM


Just when I got up this morning, I head straight into my PC to pour down my thoughts. I managed to set up this routine as my practice in joining writing contests, to prepare for the upcoming competitive exam and to hone my skill as well. But guess what, I'm checking my mail and reading at the same time. On the other side of my window is a message from one of my favorite authors, Bo Sanchez, who talks about the story of an hare and a tortoise and the story's relation in being Christian.

Before giving out my insights and reflections, what I wanted to emphasize my fascinations in short stories for children. It makes me feel like I'm a kid again, and those complex lessons in life are boiled into simplicity just so kids will decipher the morales in the story.

Lately, I've been very impatient on winning. I'm not yet contented in my circle of supporters, which include some of the members of my family, my friends, co-writers and professors. They are a bunch, I know, but I wanted to prove my writing competence by winning national contests. It has been my long time dream that I've been wanting to reach. Several times, I've joined many contests but I still don't win... What could be the reason? Are there many others better than me? Well possibly. Am I not competent enough? Hope not.

They say persistence is the name of the game, but God knows how much I'm persisting...

I just pray in heavens that 'maybe,' it's not yet my time.

I believe contests is another game of luck, so more than considering I'm not competent enough, I believe it's not yet my time. (However, it's okay, but honestly, a little bit frustrating.) Who knows, failing many times is the gateway for others to succeed, and yes, it may not yet be my time... But I'll do my best, everything for God's glory.

I just hope my persistence will turn out to be fruitful, to be more productive, especially in helping others. I'll wait patiently, with lots of work. Maybe it's not yet my time. As what I've said in my piece in an essay writing contest, 'someday, after all the waiting in winters and many springs, I will finally be a fully bloomed rose. Maybe now is not yet my season to bloom, God wants me to grow slowly but maturely and not to grow and decay easily'

That's all. Nothing much to write about, just to release my itch in writing. :-) Good day everyone and have a nice day ahead!

Dreaming in Jesus' name...

Written by Timawa on 8:29 AM

In a screenplay writing workshop, I've been assigned to write my dreams... in all life aspects. That's when I realize that dreaming isn't just about personal career or success. Dreams may be in other aspects of life. For one to have a complete and happy disposition in life, one should have dreams for himself--all phases of his life included. (love life, family life, etc.)

It feels so good writing and visualizing those dreams at the same time. Here, I've written my dreams and plan to make amends on it sometime. A single back-to-back page isn't enough for a dreamer like me. And I believe I can make these things happen through Jesus.

Anyway, just to remind me of these things each day, I've decided to write them all down here...

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I am a person full of dreams, and I believe I can reach out to many people when I became on top with Jesus. For myself and career growth, I wanted to be stable in a job which will fit my interests and knowledge--particularly, being a columnist in a newspaper firm or feature writer in a magazine all at the same time. Publication works interest me such as layouting, web design, graphic designing, computer science and the like; so I also do wanted to experience those and contribute to the development of those fields. Our former Editor-in-Chief told us to multiply our single talents into its other types, characteristics or other aspects and that notion have always sticked to my dreams. I wanted to gain more knowledge in other aspects of my interests. I want a work that will enable me to learn something new everyday. I wanted a work that will help me reach out through many people in my own way. I also wanted to become a full-time blogger--entertainment blogger, inspirational blogger; who will touch lives and give advices to people in full extent of my knowledge and experiences. I wanted to serve many people, particularly Filipinos, for God's glory.

In family life, I wanted to be closer to my mom, without hiding anything from her. I don't want her to leave this world without seeing her daughter successful in her chosen field. I wanted her to be my bestfriend, to whom I can confide in her my deepest darkest secret. I wanted to share to her all my successes as well as misfortunes, and give me advices which she learned in her adolescence. I wanted her to support me in all aspects of my life. I wanted to give her a silent gift, success in my career so that she will be proud of having a daughter like me. I wanted my brother to be also successful in his chosen field, that he may realize the value of education and God's existence. I wanted to help him first in building up his future before helping others. Bad thing is, I don't know how to start knowing that we're not really that open when it comes to those dramatic topics because he hates drama. But really, I wanted to help him. As much as I can, I wanted to help him; so that both of us could give pride to my mom... And though it doesn't interest me, I wanted to learn in household chores so that my mom will also be happy. I wanted to find enjoyment in cooking, in washing the dishes, in doing the laundry--simple things like that, just to make my mom happy. To cut this short, I want a family that are supportive to one another, despite each one's failures.

In spiritual life, I wanted to be active in church. I wanted to go back being a legionary. I sincerely wanted to have a spiritual mentor who will teach me in all aspects of my life, particularly in my spiritual growth. I want a mentor who is approachable, who shares to me his life experiences, whom I can confide most of my problems and give wise advices. I believe having a mentor is important, someone who will direct me closer to God, someone who will teach me how to love Him unconditionally. (Many spiritual advisers as possible). Also, I wanted to enlarge my territories through my own little way. As I've said earlier, I wanted to touch people's lives through my writing. I wanted to own a blog which can connect to many people, I wanted to have many experiences as possible to share with them. I wanted this blog to direct them for a better relationship with God. And I also wanted to experience being involved in organizations that has a lot of outreach programs so that I can connect more to the less fortunate people and help them as well.

In my love life, I wanted a man who will love me for the rest of my life, who will do me everything just to win my heart. I want a lifetime partner who will respect my family, especially my mom and brother. Though married life isn't yet visible in my dreams, I wanted a husband who will be with me through thick and thin, someone who will accept me as I am, who has a lot of respect for himself, who will direct me closer to God, who will share with me my misfortunes and successes. I wanted him to have a good disposition in life, who sticks with his principles, hardworking and most especially God fearing. I wanted a lifetime partner who will always be there no matter what.

Some things I have to improve on myself is my time management and control over money. I want to save for future purposes and control myself from buying luxuries just to feed my lust. I wanted more to focus on self-improvement such as physical appearance. Hehe. I wanted to practice myself waking up early (because I'm not really a morning person). This will help me live my life to the full, so I really wanted to wake up early. I will always take care of myself, and think about myself first, my actions before jumping into any conclusions. I wanted to always realize my self-respect so that others will also respect me.

I pray these dreams in Jesus' name,

Amen.

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Whew. Listing down my dreams can be so fulfilling. It reactivates my energies and imagination. It makes me feel impatient to work out on all these goals. I didn't work on my first assignment which is to write my lifeline from birth to death co'z I find it impossible to visualize. I mean, I believe God is the only writer of my life. He isn't finished yet, and I don't want to have some predictions on how my life will turn out to be. Everything that will come, I'll just accept. God has reasons for them.

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That's all people. I'm sleepy now. Just finished my assignment. Good night and God bless us.

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And oh, by the way, why don't you write down your dreams also? :-)

The roots of all the jealousy

Written by Timawa on 3:12 AM

I believe this feeling is not new to some, most especially to those whose into a relationship.

Also, to those who are happily single also did experience this feeling once in their lives--whether in family life, career and all aspects.

A feeling I can't clearly explain why and how but certainly know what it is.

To those who have emotions and has a heart probably have felt this feeling once in their lives.

I'm jealous... and I don't know why and how.

Certainly it's not the "I'm jealous because I love you" idea. I've thought about it over a thousand of times, and I'm rest assured that I really don't love him. It's that simple. I'm jealous. But can't figure out why.

Don't blame me now if I got stucked out of writer's block while typing in my thoughts because I really don't have a clear idea. But there are probabilities, of why I'm jealous of that girl.

This guy courted me many times for two years now. I kept rejecting him because I know I will only fool myself, of lies and feelings I will have to keep pushing through.

But he became persistent. For years, he didn't resist of his feelings. Being a compassionate and understanding person, I've decided to give him the chance.

Just when I'm about to fall for him, this not-so-beautiful, definitely not my level type of girl came out and insisted the "first move" towards their closeness.

Then I started asking myself QUESTIONS I keep asking myself over and over. Am I worthless enough for him to dump me just like that? Am I not the kind of girl worth pursuing? Do I deserve just to be double-crossed, and flung over and be picked up again when he wants me back for his REASONS or EXCUSES--(whether it'd be to feed his ego or whatever!!!)? Am I unworthy enough in exchange for that girl? Not that I brag about myself, but just by our actions, it's clear and obvious that I'm more of a lady-like and well-mannered than her.

And I really couldn't accept that!!! He will exchange me for someone less?! An engineering student, high school valedictorian?!!

Duh.

Yes, he's a special person. Maybe that's why I'm jealous. For years, I couldn't believe he would turn his attention and settle for that type of girl THAT EASILY!!!

To hell with all the people who are involved, this is what I am feeling. And I would really say that she's cheap because it shows in her actions. Will an educated lady pursue the first move just to 'desperately' get the guy? Hey, I was not raised to be one, maybe she should go back and review the basic norms and ethics.

Knowing that I don't love him, maybe most of you would think that I'm selfish. Well at some point it may be right, but I just want to clear things out... Is being selfish just assuring myself he would not leave me despite a handful of challenges I hand down on him? Is selfishness not giving up too easily? Is selfishness hiding the real score?

If those could only be the basis for one's selfishness, then I maybe I am.

But in reality's eyes, I'M NOT. God knows how much I wanted to give this person a chance. I just want to make things sure because this time, I wanted to settle in a for-keeps relationship. If he doesn't understand those, then it's fine. At least I knew that he's not worth all the sacrifices. Too bad that the almost two-year courtship and pursuit ended up to nothing... I guess it's no longer my problem. All the time poured over on him had just been wasted. But anyway, that's life. I'm accepting it now, and I've learned lessons along the way.

Why should I make things complicated? Love is just as it is. If he really do loves me, he would fight for it, no matter what. He won't settle with the other. He would do everything. I've known love as a verb, and if he does love me, he would take the risk. Despite EVERYTHING.

Sticking to this notion, I've learned to gain back my self-respect. I may seem left out but I believe I'm not because I know I did the right thing. Yes, our friendship was just a waste and I admit, how I wish I could bring it back. But I realized two-years are just plain numbers. What matters is the essence beyond those years. Talking to him, trying to bring back the friendship, makes me feel more worthless--[not because he's making me feel trashed now] but because I'm allowing him again to make me feel worthless, to get hurt again. :-(

Talking to him makes me ask myself, "Where's your self-respect? Where's your ego? Would you allow things just like that?"

Before one gets sleepy while reading my personal rants, I just want this post to end like this-- Yeah, I may be jealous. But one thing's certain: I DON'T LOVE HIM.

Waking up in a dream

Written by Timawa on 10:39 PM

There's something wonderful about waking up this morning...

I don't know. Maybe because I woke up early, and I won't battle with the sun's scorching heat sifting through my window.

I got out of my bed at 7:30, went straight into the comfort room and head right into my desktop to pull the words out of my tongue. And in a wee second, I recall my dream... Something I've been dreaming (or praying) for a year now since I've learned to realized I was having so much fun without knowing my limitations beyond those responsibilities in college life.

I was with my friends at our graduation day, and we were overwhelmed with joy knowing that each of us have finally made it (without anyone being left one) despite all the hardships and sacrifices in our four years of pursuit. What's still vivid in my flights of fancy are the tears and smiles on our faces, especially that toga everyone is wearing proudly.

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And then I suddenly woke up to reality...

As seconds passes, I started to remember immediately that being with my true friends on my graduation day will forever remain on my fantasy. In the past years of my college life, I've been sleeping so much with conceived dreams, without giving birth to them. I had so much fun way back then, but never did I thought about my future. Each day is living it up to the fullest without thinking of the coming days. And boy, never did I ask myself, "what's next after graduation?"

When I finally learned that I would not be graduating on time, I came to realize all the wasted time and efforts, of sacrifices that turned to nothing. Sooner, I learned to accept the consequences of my actions that I should've done my best in everything even though not knowing my desired course. Maybe God didn't give me the gift of foresight just so I would fight for my dream against all the shackles and boundaries.

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The rays of the sunlight that spilled through my face woke me up this morning with another day and another hope. This morning is unusual unlike all the other. God woke me up this morning with a thought... "Face this day by putting your dreams into action".

"The best way to reach your dreams is to wake up"

Behind the Notes


Imprinted Graffiti is an online journal of Timawa (not her real name), a Filipino student journalist, who talks about her life struggles and experiences. Feel free to explore her world and enter into her realm of fancies. Good day everyone! God bless! :-)