Imprinted Graffiti

This morning reminds me of my late grandmother.

I don't know. Maybe because of a dream, or the scent of her perfume when I woke up this morning. Or the presence of a cousin whom I haven't forgiven yet for a long time now. Whatever the reason, I'm certain that I really missed my grandmother since the last day she called us up and bid her goodbyes with an unlikely good laugh. That time, it never crossed our minds that that will be the last time we will hear her laughter. She greeted everyone in the house over the phone, and with the loudspeaker, her laughter spread around the four corners of our house without us knowing that it would be the last.

Every time circumstances remind me of my grandmother, what reminds me most are the fireworks. Glaring lights up in a dark sky in Christmas time. It is because my mom, along with my titos and titas, used to buy expensive fireworks every Christmas season just to light up and put a smile on my grandma's face. And each time these fireworks bloom up in the sky, Ma will start to beam, a vivid memory that never erodes in my fancies since the night we spent the last fireworks with her.

My lola used to be the binding force in our family. Every time family problem arises, her kind heart and warm approach will always be her way to end things up. It just saddens me that until now that she's gone, family dispute between each parties cannot still be solved among our own ways. And honestly speaking, I am one of those guilty persons behind the scenario that disappoints my grandmother.

I cannot say when will be the right time I have to forgive my cousin for what he has done to me. The hurt have been with me for 12 years that every detail of it triggers more my anger. It's hard on my part to forgive him that easy, but God knows how much I'm trying to forget all those. Sometimes, I submit all these angers to the Lord; but temptation's just too strong that every time a certain thing reminds me of that memory, hurt just dominates me and eventually anger will prevail. But at least, each time I will remember my grandma's warm affection, my angst would just be washed away that easy.

The following Christmases have been so plain unlike those times when my grandmother was still alive. They have stopped our tradition of making my grandmother smile. Things really should come and go, and maybe, our family are still in the recovery process. No matter what, despite family disputes, each fireworks I see up in heaven will always be a sign that she's always with me, giving me hope that there is still a chance to build things up among us.