The roots of all the jealousy
Written by Timawa on 3:12 AMI believe this feeling is not new to some, most especially to those whose into a relationship.
Also, to those who are happily single also did experience this feeling once in their lives--whether in family life, career and all aspects.
A feeling I can't clearly explain why and how but certainly know what it is.
To those who have emotions and has a heart probably have felt this feeling once in their lives.
I'm jealous... and I don't know why and how.
Certainly it's not the "I'm jealous because I love you" idea. I've thought about it over a thousand of times, and I'm rest assured that I really don't love him. It's that simple. I'm jealous. But can't figure out why.
Don't blame me now if I got stucked out of writer's block while typing in my thoughts because I really don't have a clear idea. But there are probabilities, of why I'm jealous of that girl.
This guy courted me many times for two years now. I kept rejecting him because I know I will only fool myself, of lies and feelings I will have to keep pushing through.
But he became persistent. For years, he didn't resist of his feelings. Being a compassionate and understanding person, I've decided to give him the chance.
Just when I'm about to fall for him, this not-so-beautiful, definitely not my level type of girl came out and insisted the "first move" towards their closeness.
Then I started asking myself QUESTIONS I keep asking myself over and over. Am I worthless enough for him to dump me just like that? Am I not the kind of girl worth pursuing? Do I deserve just to be double-crossed, and flung over and be picked up again when he wants me back for his REASONS or EXCUSES--(whether it'd be to feed his ego or whatever!!!)? Am I unworthy enough in exchange for that girl? Not that I brag about myself, but just by our actions, it's clear and obvious that I'm more of a lady-like and well-mannered than her.
And I really couldn't accept that!!! He will exchange me for someone less?! An engineering student, high school valedictorian?!!
Duh.
Yes, he's a special person. Maybe that's why I'm jealous. For years, I couldn't believe he would turn his attention and settle for that type of girl THAT EASILY!!!
To hell with all the people who are involved, this is what I am feeling. And I would really say that she's cheap because it shows in her actions. Will an educated lady pursue the first move just to 'desperately' get the guy? Hey, I was not raised to be one, maybe she should go back and review the basic norms and ethics.
Knowing that I don't love him, maybe most of you would think that I'm selfish. Well at some point it may be right, but I just want to clear things out... Is being selfish just assuring myself he would not leave me despite a handful of challenges I hand down on him? Is selfishness not giving up too easily? Is selfishness hiding the real score?
If those could only be the basis for one's selfishness, then I maybe I am.
But in reality's eyes, I'M NOT. God knows how much I wanted to give this person a chance. I just want to make things sure because this time, I wanted to settle in a for-keeps relationship. If he doesn't understand those, then it's fine. At least I knew that he's not worth all the sacrifices. Too bad that the almost two-year courtship and pursuit ended up to nothing... I guess it's no longer my problem. All the time poured over on him had just been wasted. But anyway, that's life. I'm accepting it now, and I've learned lessons along the way.
Why should I make things complicated? Love is just as it is. If he really do loves me, he would fight for it, no matter what. He won't settle with the other. He would do everything. I've known love as a verb, and if he does love me, he would take the risk. Despite EVERYTHING.
Sticking to this notion, I've learned to gain back my self-respect. I may seem left out but I believe I'm not because I know I did the right thing. Yes, our friendship was just a waste and I admit, how I wish I could bring it back. But I realized two-years are just plain numbers. What matters is the essence beyond those years. Talking to him, trying to bring back the friendship, makes me feel more worthless--[not because he's making me feel trashed now] but because I'm allowing him again to make me feel worthless, to get hurt again. :-(
Talking to him makes me ask myself, "Where's your self-respect? Where's your ego? Would you allow things just like that?"
Before one gets sleepy while reading my personal rants, I just want this post to end like this-- Yeah, I may be jealous. But one thing's certain: I DON'T LOVE HIM.
Also, to those who are happily single also did experience this feeling once in their lives--whether in family life, career and all aspects.
A feeling I can't clearly explain why and how but certainly know what it is.
To those who have emotions and has a heart probably have felt this feeling once in their lives.
I'm jealous... and I don't know why and how.
Certainly it's not the "I'm jealous because I love you" idea. I've thought about it over a thousand of times, and I'm rest assured that I really don't love him. It's that simple. I'm jealous. But can't figure out why.
Don't blame me now if I got stucked out of writer's block while typing in my thoughts because I really don't have a clear idea. But there are probabilities, of why I'm jealous of that girl.
This guy courted me many times for two years now. I kept rejecting him because I know I will only fool myself, of lies and feelings I will have to keep pushing through.
But he became persistent. For years, he didn't resist of his feelings. Being a compassionate and understanding person, I've decided to give him the chance.
Just when I'm about to fall for him, this not-so-beautiful, definitely not my level type of girl came out and insisted the "first move" towards their closeness.
Then I started asking myself QUESTIONS I keep asking myself over and over. Am I worthless enough for him to dump me just like that? Am I not the kind of girl worth pursuing? Do I deserve just to be double-crossed, and flung over and be picked up again when he wants me back for his REASONS or EXCUSES--(whether it'd be to feed his ego or whatever!!!)? Am I unworthy enough in exchange for that girl? Not that I brag about myself, but just by our actions, it's clear and obvious that I'm more of a lady-like and well-mannered than her.
And I really couldn't accept that!!! He will exchange me for someone less?! An engineering student, high school valedictorian?!!
Duh.
Yes, he's a special person. Maybe that's why I'm jealous. For years, I couldn't believe he would turn his attention and settle for that type of girl THAT EASILY!!!
To hell with all the people who are involved, this is what I am feeling. And I would really say that she's cheap because it shows in her actions. Will an educated lady pursue the first move just to 'desperately' get the guy? Hey, I was not raised to be one, maybe she should go back and review the basic norms and ethics.
Knowing that I don't love him, maybe most of you would think that I'm selfish. Well at some point it may be right, but I just want to clear things out... Is being selfish just assuring myself he would not leave me despite a handful of challenges I hand down on him? Is selfishness not giving up too easily? Is selfishness hiding the real score?
If those could only be the basis for one's selfishness, then I maybe I am.
But in reality's eyes, I'M NOT. God knows how much I wanted to give this person a chance. I just want to make things sure because this time, I wanted to settle in a for-keeps relationship. If he doesn't understand those, then it's fine. At least I knew that he's not worth all the sacrifices. Too bad that the almost two-year courtship and pursuit ended up to nothing... I guess it's no longer my problem. All the time poured over on him had just been wasted. But anyway, that's life. I'm accepting it now, and I've learned lessons along the way.
Why should I make things complicated? Love is just as it is. If he really do loves me, he would fight for it, no matter what. He won't settle with the other. He would do everything. I've known love as a verb, and if he does love me, he would take the risk. Despite EVERYTHING.
Sticking to this notion, I've learned to gain back my self-respect. I may seem left out but I believe I'm not because I know I did the right thing. Yes, our friendship was just a waste and I admit, how I wish I could bring it back. But I realized two-years are just plain numbers. What matters is the essence beyond those years. Talking to him, trying to bring back the friendship, makes me feel more worthless--[not because he's making me feel trashed now] but because I'm allowing him again to make me feel worthless, to get hurt again. :-(
Talking to him makes me ask myself, "Where's your self-respect? Where's your ego? Would you allow things just like that?"
Before one gets sleepy while reading my personal rants, I just want this post to end like this-- Yeah, I may be jealous. But one thing's certain: I DON'T LOVE HIM.
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